As Good As It Gets

My previous post was a politically-charged one.I was filled with rage, dissatisfaction and anger that lead me to posting it.I would like to apologise to anyone who felt targeted and bashed at.No, I did not meant to hurt anyone or bring up issues that causes disunity.I hope I have raised an issue that everyone should know, and I was not targeting any particular group of people.I wasn’t blaming anyone, it is just the lack of exposure that made everyone has misconceptions of what I am trying to say.

Ok, things have been going slow in the past few days. I finally get to relax and think properly.My schedule is damm busy but I managed to get things in order.It is all good.

I am planning for a lot of things in the next semester.Not many people know that movie-making is one of my ambition.I love movie directing and the process of doing it.I have very little knowledge about movie making but I surely would love to do one.So,I am planning to minoring in Film Making if it is possible.I have no idea if it is possible to do minor in art subjects,it is so out of place from the course that I am taking.

I never play golf,so I am planning to take up golf as my co-curriculum next semester.

I want to be busy because I want to make my time more meaningful.I am planning to learn drumming,do film-making,play golf,visit all the arts related exhibition,performance,join Aisec,go travelling to all Peninsular Malaysia states,do my industrial training overseas(preferably the Arab country) and the list goes on and on. There are so many opportunities for me in Penang. Now,I am beginning to be someone whom I can be,things will never be the same again.

Now I know why I am feeling down at times.At certain times in my life,I feel like I am being cast aside due to my race.I feel like being underestimated,most of the time.I have to work harder than my peers to get recognition.

I do not think that people know that my Kayan community is struggling back at home.Our land is being taken away from us.The Native Land Act, which supposed to protect our right to keep our land is no longer relevant.Those unscrupulous timbering companies evaded our land and took all the precious and valuable trees to be exported.They gained a lot.We do not get even a portion of the profit that they made and we lose not just our beautiful land,but also our dignity.

There are a lot of smart youths back in the villages that did not make it to school.They are not given any chance to study at all due to the ignorance of the local authority.Most of the heritage that we possesses are slowly going away.

We are in a dire condition.I expect in 20 years from now, my community will not be successful like other people.Who is going to make a change?When?Only time will tell.

I am not an ultra-Kayan.I am probably the most un-racist person on earth.I have a lot of Malay and Chinese friends.My close friends are mostly Malay and I am so used to their culture,language and religion that I feel like I am already very Malay-nised.I understand Mandarin because I always hang around with the Chinese crowd.Now,I get to know some Indian friends,and I found them to be some of the smartest people that I know,and very friendly and nice too.I mixed a lot with the other Bumiputera too and I know them a lot.

I wish I could make a difference to my community,but I do not know how.

I am searching for the darn truth.But,in the process I find that the boundary between truth and lies seems vague.One person would admit that he is telling the truth while the others would contradict his convictions.

Why letting the truth requires so much energy and work?I cannot just let the crook to roam around.I must not let the innocent to be incarcerated.If I do, I will be the most selfish person on earth.

I:
    am a fighter.I fight for what is right and what is wrong.

    am a searcher.I search for the utopia that I have been dreaming of.

    am radical.Yeah, I do believe in excessive usage of power to control any situation

    am the thorn among the bushes.I do not do things like others,I do things my way and no one is   
    good enough to tell me what is right,except myself

    am me.I do not have to listen to anyone,I am headstrong,I do not adhere to certain rules that
    inhibit my action.I know what is right and what is wrong.

I fight for the people who I know.I am Sarawakian.I am Kayan.I am the son to my father and my mother.I am proud of my heritage.I stand for whatever is right in my opinion.I live dangerously and I do not give a damm.

I stand tall and I do not need approval.

Yesterday was damm boring and I do not have much things to get doing.I did not have any lab report to do.I punked a friend of mine,and much to my disbelief he actually believe whatever the b/s I was telling him.So gullible.My Muslim friends are starting their fasting month starting yesterday and all of them looked really tired today.I decided to join them too, but I do not think I can stand it this afternoon,so I went to eat at Bakti Permai.

What else?Oh,life’s a bitch.Nothing much.Daily routine,which I have been repeating for the past 2 months.I think I need to go out more,meeting new people,but I still do not know yet the right channel to release my full potential.Maybe next semester,I will join a club or something.

Now, I am running out of idea to say anything.

Anyway, to all my Muslim friends, Happy Fasting!

Things will never be the same again.Yeah, life’s a bitch and that is how it is supposed to be.

I feel real good!(Speak this sentence the way Jerry (Fargo) said it).Yeah,today for the FIRST TIME in my life I get to see real goats,cows and paddy fields.Back in Miri or anywhere else I have been,the only domestic reared animals that I get to see are buffalos,chickens and pigs.I also got to know that goats come in variety of colours and before this I thought goats are either black or white.Geez,I am so shallow.Do not blame me,I have been living in a place where the main economic activities are oil explorations,timber export,plantations and tourism.Maybe, these animals do exist somewhere in Sarawak but definately not in the city of Miri or the outskirts of it.

It was an eye-opener to see the picturesque view of the paddy plantation fields spreading all the way from one horizon to another.Seriously,there are paddy fields all over the place,to the right and to the left of the roadside.I never seen something like this.Through the Geography textbook that I learnt in Form 3,I still remember that Kedah is called "Jelapang Padi Malaysia" due to the vigourous plantation of paddy on the nutrient rich land.I definately learnt more than about rock formations from this field trip.

I have never been to a quarry field and today I got the chance to go to one and actually watching the mechanism of the big machine working.It was exciting.

My first field trip is also my first time in Kedah.We went to places such as quarry fields,waterfalls and a point.The capital city of Kedah,Sungai Petani or S.P as what the locals call it, reminds me of Bandar Baru Permyjaya in Miri.The main difference is that S.P is a lot more bigger and the city limit is wider than that of Permyjaya.But,I find it strange that there are some paddy fields,even in the city limit.But, the river (Sungai Kedah?) is cleaner than my Sungai Miri.

The trip was awesome!I think 70% of the time,I took my time to observe things around me and the remaining 30% was the time I spent to fulfill our main objective there which is learning about geological formations.So,I felt like I was spending my time leisuring.Furthermore,the trip was free and we were only required to pay our food.Haha.

There are so much things to see,even in the backgarden of our own house.I think I have only see a little part of the big things.

22nd Sept.

Owh,what has happened to me today?I’ve experienced some ups and lows in just a day day.Right after I left my room this morning,I feel lethargic.I cannot concentrate properly during class and I almost knocked my head on the table due to sleepiness.Then,for lunch I felt cheated because I thought the food I bought is not charged according to its price.That unscrupulous counter guy.During 101,I squirmed on my chair because the air-conditioner was not functioning.

On the brighter hand,I had a fun dinner with some CUS friends.We chatted a lot and I felt so relieved after all the things that happpened to me earlier today.Today is not like my usual weekend nights,when I usually spent my time alone.Shirley was awesome,she picked me up and I do not have to worry about walking far.Thanks Shirley!Tomorrow is my geophysics trip,hopefully I will not wake up late.

Yesterday,I got the chance to see first hand on the political scene in Peninsular Malaysia,particularly in the Northern region.I describe it as loud but exciting to watch.They came up with their political chants and outrageous insults to their opponents.Some candidates were potential leaders at first impression,but faltered during the speaking campaign.

The police came,and I have no idea what has happened after that.

Do not underestimate the power of people and their votes.I hope I did not made the wrong vote.I, a Kayan minority and a Christian , would choose the party which will protect my liberty and care for all the USM students irrespective of their races or religions.

It is just sad that most of young people are apolitical.No one seems to care about what is happening in the country or around the world.A Third World plague.I refused to be included in this category of people.Politics shaped a part of my life,broaden my horizon and matured my thoughts.Malaysia is a Third World,I cannot blame for the obliviousness of the people around.

Some people are gaining more than others.The ignorants will be left behind,and the smart and knowledgeble people will either lose or gain empowerment.Political stances will be heard and judged in a positive or negative light.I succumb to my beliefs and I stand up for what is right.Oh yeah,I rebel for the goodness of this land by given name of Malaysia.

When democracy is no longer relevant: 21st September 2006

My grades are falling to a critical level.Recently, I discovered myself to be in this state of oblivion without really knowing that I am actually letting myself to be the victim of the circumstances that I have created myself.In just 2 months,I think I can recall back the number of hours I allocated for studying.How many hours I spent in front of the book? Oh,the word "hours" is supposed to be "hour" and yes I spent my time about an hour or so in a week.In a week.

I am appalled.

Oh boy,where is the studious side of me?I have no idea what took that character I built on my ownself.It seems like as I grow older,I learn that if I let go of some things,I would feel better.I guess that is why I sleep better everyday nowadays.

By the way,I still feel that I have been losing so much of my energy in this past few days.I mean,it is normal that I am busy everyday, but it is not just my physical and emotional being drained out,I feel like being departed from a very important side of me.I do not know what is it,but it is just there,right in front of my eyes every single day.Has anyone encounter this kind of situation before?

I got to grow up a bit and forget things in the past.Let bygones be bygones.Unfortunately,there is one thing keep haunting me,and I am losing much of myself to this.